The day started productively. My daughter and I baked muffins this morning. I had a small snafu with my coffee. The creamer went bad. I figured this would be the most significant inconvenience of the day.
I wrote out a small grocery list: stuff for dinner, a couple of snacks for the kids, and without a doubt, new creamer for my coffee. After I finished my list, I laid out the totes to bring to the store so that I wouldn’t forget them. Before heading out the door, the dishes were unloaded and loaded.
The shopping trip was a success. I bought two succulents that were on sale for $5.99 apiece, and bought a coffee, for my troubles of the creamer debacle. To make this day even better, all my groceries fit perfectly in the totes. It’s the small things that bring joy to my soul.
I returned home, told Alexa to play music, and began unloading the groceries. Which, of course, turned into deep cleaning the fridge (hadn’t done that in six months), and cleaning out the pantries. I wiped down the appliances and countertops. Today was good.
It was almost 3 p.m., and I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything. So, I poured some hot and sour cabbage soup into a bowl and popped it in the microwave. Iris was being super chill and playing independently: a rare occasion. I sat on the couch, crossed my legs, hunched over, and ate my soup while watching the kids goof around.
Then, I noticed it: a weird sensation in my throat; as if, something was stuck. It’s been something that I have been seeing happen, after eating my soup. (Back story: I make a massive batch of it once a week, to have for lunches). It has squash, zucchini, and Asian chili paste, which all of those things have seeds. I’m beginning to think that I may have diverticulitis in my throat.
Panic ensues. I have anxiety that is trigger by medical issues. Anything medical. I tried to rationalize my fear that this is not a life-threatening issue; I can breathe and drink fluids with no problems. But this wasn’t enough. There was no rationality. I was in panic mode. The more I thought of something stuck in my throat, the tighter my throat became. Luckily, my best friend was able to talk me through the situation. She calmed me down.
However, when I began to calm and focus on other things, I noticed that I felt like checking out for the rest of the day. After all that productivity, I wanted to climb in bed and shut off. It’s as if I have no more stamina to continue the day. And, that makes me feel ashamed and weak. I feel embarrassed about my anxiety, and it’s triggers. I feel embarrassed that I can’t snap out of it after an anxiety attack. I don’t want to shut down and remain in a fog of numbness for the rest of the day. I want to cook dinner for my family. I want to sit outside and watch the kids play. I want to drink a cup of tea and take a bath. Yet, here I am, in bed, writing this story, hoping it’s enough to remove the fog and breathe.