Beautiful Struggles

For the first time since my first miscarriage, which was 2 years ago, I feel alive.1ef3047eecdc51a911da68d0cb8c681a I was on the phone with my sister last night and I told her that for the first time it feels better to be awake then asleep. That one statement says it all. I want to be apart of the world instead of dreaming of alternate moments. I am happy to experience the down falls of the day, as well as, the every day moments of life. For the first time in years, I feel as though I have a control of my depression, not the other way around. I’m no longer mad at my children for their dependency of me. It isn’t their fault they need and want me. I am their mother: a burden that I no longer regret. I am proud of myself for picking up the pieces of my shattered life. Yes, it unfortunate that it took two years for this to happen. But, my body wasn’t ready. I suffered 4 miscarriages in 2 years. I had 2 D&C’s. I broke my right ankle, tibia & fibula and my left foot. My body was physically broken. My spirit splintered away with every loss and struggle. Let’s not factor in the hormonal roll coaster a person’s body experiences with just one miscarriage. But here I am. Ready. I couldn’t have progressed to the place that I am now without my husband, family, and true friends. They didn’t walk away because I brought this on to myself. Was my family and friends worried and frustrated over my desire to get pregnant over and over again with the same result? Yes. But they were still there. Although, they couldn’t understand my desire for another child, it wasn’t their decision to make or to understand. It’s nothing I could explain to make their worries go away. Maybe my losses allowed a better appreciation and love for the family I do have? That has to be the silver lining. I understand the science for the reasons my pregnancies didn’t progress. It has taken time to accept that. I have let go of my anger. The anger is gone and now I am swimming in other emotions that are beautiful. I’m not sure how long this moment of realization of how beneficial it is to actively live my life will last. The only thing I can do is to accept each day as they come. Struggles and downfalls are bound to happen once more. My depression is likely to rear it’s ugly head. But, at this moment, everything is back.


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