Wow. It’s been awhile, huh?
I guess my mind needed a rest. Or, maybe, I didn’t have anything to write or felt as though I had nothing to write.
Life here has been no more hectic or drama filled than in the past. Life is always throwing curve balls. I had another miscarriage. My third. Again …
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It’s a bittersweet cause that is striving for awareness: to help those to know that they aren’t alone. But, aren’t we?
There are support groups. There are family and friends. But, no matter how much support we find, it doesn’t dull the pain. We all know that we aren’t alone. One and four women experience a pregnancy or infant loss. Yet, this statistic does nothing to heal the scars. It brings more sorrow; knowing that the pain that we have suffered is plaguing others. There is comfort in empathy that we share amongst one another. It’s the understanding that bonds us. The support of others is appreciated. The love is warming. But it’s only temporary. We go on with our lives. We pretend to mask the sadness and try to forget the pain. But, then there are subtle reminders. They may not happen every day, but they are there.
The due date approaches. The thoughts of about what phase of pregnancy would I be in? The longing of movements that won’t be felt. What would have been your name? There would be no ultrasounds. Oh look, a friend posted on Facebook that she is pregnant. Don’t be jealous and hurt. Try to find the happiness that this family is experiencing. There is no need to organize the office and find room for her. Just shut the office door.
In the time it becomes easier to walk by the baby aisles in the store and perhaps venture into the aisles with baby clothes. I am robust enough to do this. I’m just looking. Remain tough. But, there it is. That one item that stands out. That one item that reminds us of the loss. It tugs at our hearts. Then the what if’s begin to plague our mind. And then, just there, that spark of hope that will be ignited.
We are starting to become braver. The future doesn’t look that bleak. The distractions of life begin to take hold of our loss and pad its strength. It will never be forgotten; you will never be forgotten. The due date is engraved into our heart. The day of loss is etched into our heart. But, the façade becomes more intense. The ability to conceal the sorrow fortifies. Our memories of the spark of life burn the misery. Because you will always be loved.