To our child, we will never get to hold.

My family and I will be shining our light in remembrance to our pregnancy, for our baby.  On July 15th, 2013, we found out that the baby stopped growing. I was supposed to be 10 weeks, but little one stopped growing around 7 weeks. It was my first miscarriage. I did not think that I could miscarry. I had two successful pregnancies and births. A miscarriage never crossed my mind when I saw two lines on the pregnancy test. I was so stunned, that I took three!


I was so certain of this pregnancy, that I announced it to my family when we found out, and shortly to our friends and family. This is how we announced it to my family:

 Later, I heard remarks that this is why you wait to announce until after the first trimester. Surprisingly, that hurt. It hurt because it made me aware that pregnancy and infancy loss aren’t talked about. That if I didn’t share so early, then I wouldn’t have to go through the grief of explaining to people what happened. You know it can happen, but just not to you. But, why shouldn’t I scream to the world that I’m pregnant? Because I might miscarry? It’s a shitty reality, but a miscarriage/loss can happen at anytime in a pregnancy. I don’t think it’s fair that mothers are expected to keep quiet until you pass the “safe zone.” A miscarriage is a terrible incident, but it happens. But, it’s okay to talk about it. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. I don’t want to grieve alone. I needed the support, and because I did share so early, the amount of support that I received was overwhelming. I don’t think that I would have been mentally stable to go through my miscarriage without the support I received.

The day I saw the two pink lines on the test, is a day a became a mom to three. On February 5th, I will always remember that was the day our baby was supposed to enter the world. Right now, I should be prepping the nursing, taking anti-acids, going to the bathroom every 5 minutes, driving my husband insane with ridiculous cravings, but I’m not. My boys aren’t rubbing my belly and asking questions. We aren’t prepping our toddler for an invasion in his space. A became a mother because these were moments in my future that were supposed to happen.

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7 thoughts on “To our child, we will never get to hold.

  1. I lost my child exactly one month before you and did exactly the same as you did as far as announcing immediately,and I even disregarded any possibility of losing a child due to having two beautiful children already…oh and the remarks sucked for me too. this touched me. thank you

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  2. My baby would have just turned 5. It does get easier but the pain never goes away completely. Sometimes something someone says will just get to you. I love what you said, “The day I saw two pink lines was the day I became a mother of 3.” This is so true! I have 3 children, 2 here on earth and 1 that lives on in my heart.

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  3. I lost my first 3 babies to miscarriage, all between 10 & 12 weeks. My first, I told absolutely everyone about the pregnancy & was shattered having to tell them all about the loss. My 2nd I was more conservative, but still told family & close friends. The 3rd, I only told family.
    I don't know that it is really an expectation that we don't share our news until after 12weeks, as you say, but more so a protection of sorts so that we are less likely to have to go through the heartache of telling everyone of the loss.
    When I fell pregnant a 4th time, my husband & I didn't tell anyone, including family, until after the 'magic' 12week mark. I'm blessed to say we now have a beautiful & healthy 2yr old boy here on Earth, as well as our 3 angel babies in heaven.
    My heartfelt condolences to you & your family for your loss. Xxx

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  4. Marmie here – I saw this when you posted it but I wasn't ready to read it because I knew the pain you were experiencing writing it and I just wasn't ready. Now I have and I am glad that I did. The loss of my fourth grandchild was very hard. As hard as it was to confront the reality of it, I wouldn't have been anywhere else then with you, John, Curty and Carson the day of your DNC. You were my little beetlebug who had a broken heart and I wasn't going anywhere. XOXO

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